my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
