My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
