Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.