At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize