Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
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i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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