I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
