Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Everclear isn't food dammit
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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