if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
