I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy