I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
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The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
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You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.