your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
