So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake