Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead