I have demons in me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
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He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
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Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.