Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.