How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
