It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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