I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
