i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
