i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Ketchup is God's man juice
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I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
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He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."