i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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