i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
