dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
