Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The power of my boobs compel you
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest