I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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