I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
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Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
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I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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