I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.