Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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