Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
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Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
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He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.