Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
