I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize
