Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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