where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Umm I'm too high to move.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
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my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
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Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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