I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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