Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment