Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
