I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
