we need to drink 2009 down the drain
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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