Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
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I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
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the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.