Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.