saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate