my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis