i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
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Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
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Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life