Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I want her autograph on my taint
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.