I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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