I'm so fucking centered right now
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
