Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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