i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
