Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
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Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
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As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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