don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
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Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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