I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
