Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock