I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
