I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
