I'm laying in your front yard are you home
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.