your room smells of hookers.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
As shirtless as possible
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.