Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
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I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
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By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."