So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.