my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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