Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
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OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
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Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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