The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
