I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked