Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
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You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
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This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .