she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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