I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
